Start Having Better Sex Today

What would it mean to you to have “better sex” than you’re having now? What would you need to do differently?

How about having sex at least once or twice weekly? There are health benefits to having sex. It gives your heart and lungs a workout, gets blood moving in your capillaries, and releases hormones that help you bond with a partner, among other benefits. An orgasm can even relieve some types of pain for up to 24 hours.

Simply having more sex won’t be healthy if the sex is unsatisfying or worse. To have better sex0, consider these questions:

  • What do you consider “having sex,” and does your partner define it the same way? You may consider it sex no matter what the outcome, while your partner may consider it sex only if orgasm occurs.
  • Are you and your partner equally interested in and satisfied with your sexual experiences? If not, the partner who is unsatisfied is unlikely to want more of the same.
  • Can you and your partner speak honestly about your sex life and health status? Sex is usually better when you can speak freely about your needs, wants, curiosities, and concerns.
  • Does your typical sexual experience leave you thinking, “That was great” or “Is that all there is?” If it’s the latter, what is missing?
  • Are you easily distracted during sexual activity? If so, are you unable to focus on the pleasure of the moment because you’re concerned about privacy, body image, discomfort, or are you bored, angry or worried?
  • After sex, are you worried about pregnancy or sexually transmitted infection? Taking steps to protect yourself and your partner first can help you enjoy regret-free sex.
  • Does your sex life include a lot of rules about how, when, where, and what occurs, and if so, are you and your partner in happy agreement with the rules?

Having better sex in 2010 depends on a lot more than resolving to have more sex. Instead, resolve to understand specifically what better sex means to you and how you can make it happen.

The partners of the New Jersey Center for Sexual Wellness can help enhance your sex life, whether the help you need is medical, psychological, educational or nutritional.

Hooking Up but Wanting to Date

A new study finds that college students actually would like to date, but they actually hook up at about twice as often as they date.

Definitions for “hooking up” range from kissing an acquaintance or stranger to having sexual intercourse. For this study’s purposes, the researchers defined a hookup as sexual intercourse that occurs once, with a stranger or casual acquaintance (as opposed to an on-going relationship).

The undergrads aren’t necessarily hooking up because it feels good. Rather, say the researchers from James Madison University, the students hook up because they think their peers are doing it and enjoying it. And yet, 95% of female students would rather date than hook up, while 77.5% of men prefer dating to hookups.

The researchers posited that dating seems more emotionally risky than hookups, i.e., a broken heart can cut to be very painful, while a drunken sexual encounter can be waived off as a stupid mistake. And most hookups occur when alcohol is involved.

The study was small, but it resonates with the stories my undergraduate students have shared with me. When out partying, both males and females have taken risks they might not take when sober. Condom use isn’t a sure thing when someone is horny and drunk.

Perhaps this study is a good reminder that adolescence lasts until age 24, which means that most college students don’t have the mental maturity to unpack the risks of acting on the basis of peer pressure rather than one’s personal preference.

What Can You Do?

  • Ask your teen or college student what he or she considers a hookup. Is it a common practice among peers and friends? Don’t judge; listen.
  • Ask what might be appealing about a hookup nad what the emotional or physical risks might be. Are there times when the benefits are worth the risk, or the risk outweighs the benefits?
  • Discuss ways your child can avoid being pressured into a hookup or can avoid pressuring a partner into hooking up.

For more tips, call Dr. Melanie Davis at 908-722-1632.